This is a letter i wrote to my absent father. It was an emotional rollercoaster – now i just wait for the response.
I need you to know that before you read the rest of this letter, that I do not hate you. Yes, certain parts of this will read that way but I hope you’re a better man than the one that exists in my thoughts and sees the bigger picture.
Growing up, people around me would tell me that not having you in my life was not the end of the world, but for some reason, for me it took everything. They say that you can’t miss what you didn’t have, but I couldn’t help but long for you. To be daddy’s little girl. I have been so sad for so long – yes I am happy but nothing compares to knowing that you love me. Wishing and longing that you were there to love, protect and guide me.
I have been ignoring your absence since the last time we met. I have been unconsciously ignoring the void you left in me – even before I came looking for you. The endless questions I would ask myself like “Why not me?”, “Why am I not good enough”, “what did I do wrong to have him not want me”. Those are the questions I began asking at 10 years old. The conclusions that I made, which are not the point of this letter, have shaped my identity, and my understanding of myself.
I always dreamed you would come through for me. I wished so desperately for you to come save me when life was hell for me but you were never there. In my story you were never the hero, you never told me I was beautiful. You never warned me against shitty men. You were just not there. I was never your little girl (and God knows just how much I needed that).
I get that you have other children but has it ever crossed your mind that I exist? That I might need you? Me at 10 years – I longed for you, I needed you. I grew up and found you and you turned your back on me. That was the first time I learned how to hate someone I had once loved – even thought I never had a relationship with you. I hate that I am a woman that does not trust men, one that expects nothing but disappointment from them. One that always expects them to not stay – to walk away. One that feels worthless and unwanted – because that is all you taught me and made me feel.
When I came looking for you, I thought that this was finally it. I needed you. I still don’t get why you could not say that you couldn’t be there? That’s all you could have said, you could have warned me. In fact, when I reached out, why didn’t you just let go? Instead of pretending to want to try and be a part of my life, just to walk away all over again? I wanted you to stay, and be there.
Your absence taught me to tolerate men regardless of their behavior, to seek validation in things I would normally never consider. You taught me a lukewarm love and set the bar really low. I never deserved you being absent. You never taught me how to love myself.
I see and feel you, or rather your absence, in every relationship, success and definitely when shit hits the fan. As you carry on reading this, please understand that I all I have ever sought from you is you, not material things. I have been learning to forgive you, it has been the most challenging journey in my life. But that is something I am working on.
I have imagined writing this for so long but never had the strength. Part of it is the fact that I am not ready to hear the answers you have for me. The rejection all over again. I just need you to know where I stand. I need to know if there is even a possibility of me having you in my life. If there isn’t, that’s also fine. I will find a way to pick up the pieces.
I hope you are okay.